The big 3 0:

While in the throws of a perfect storm of life events, I was nearly certain that I was dying last week. For real...but on the inside; which is possibly worse because you can be aware of your lifelessness. I suppose I can say that some of me did in fact die off...my former perspective and some of my (thought to be) priorities.

After spending the weekend with my in-laws in the Poconos and feeling a sense of urgency to be fully partaking in my life experiences in the wake of Sam's sudden death, the vision I had of myself and my contributions started to change. Interestingly enough, a few days before leaving for the mountain weekend getaway, our Kundalini teacher mentioned that I looked different and asked if I was going through a shift. She said this simply in passing in the parking lot. My answer was, 'nope, just feeling pretty relaxed these days'. But her comment stuck in the back of my brain and I can't wait to tell her how clairvoyant she is! It turns out there was nothing that was not shifting! It suddenly was feeling useless and unfulfilling to direct ALL of my energy into the business of yoga. It became clear to me that for some time now I had been missing the mark and sacrificing true mindfulness. I am never going to make millions of dollars teaching yoga. I earn enough to cover my bills and we live comfortably enough. I have been loading myself up with stress thinking that I will earn enough to dissolve all of my stress....what? Exactly! But while I ran myself ragged and picked up my pennies I was left with little to no energy, attention or desire to spend any meaningful time with my husband and on our home. It became an effort to be nice to my family members and friends. I actually neglected and forgot about some family functions! These things are not typical for me. I was feeling joyless and not much the richer for it. I also realized that I wasn't paying attention to the actual business that monetarily sustains me, the business of massage therapy and striving to grow it for my fellow therapists and for myself.

My energy needs to be directed toward my loved ones! Feeling the joy in my relationships and undividedly being present in exchanges. I feel thoughtful and generous again! I untethered myself from an unrealistic concept, thus the stresses that weighed on me toooooooo heavily. I had honest conversations with my boss, my mom, and my husband about my decisions to let go of some work responsibilities and the impending repercussions of that but also the added contributions that I could make to my family, whom once again top the priority list.

Symbolically, I had a terrible cold and sore throat last week, resulting in the loss of my voice. But after expressing my intentions clearly;  defining the support that I need and consuming several pots of cayenne pepper and honey infused tea; I feel healthy again. I feel clear, grounded, purposeful, effective, valuable, valued, centered, and is that...my joy sensing neurons starting to fire!? Just in time  to celebrate my thirtieth birthday! There is no time to waste or obstacle not worth tackling when living 'unapologetically authentically'*!


*phrase inspired by Michael Lear